Seems that even though I can have a deliciously divine Italian dinner with friends I can hardly enjoy my last bite as my mind drifts to the camp. I'll sit here silently and sip my exquisite cappuccino while simultaneously asking myself how I can enjoy this when I know of so many others who don't have this same luxury.
It is the weekend and I'm torn in two: half of me exists in this world full of endless goods and services while the other half longs for understanding, for being fully present with the people I've come to work alongside in the camp. I can sleep in the comfort of a semi-furnished bedroom in the capital city yet I yearn for the challenges camp living brings, for the insecurity that rests outside that bolted door. This conflict of interest is creating a mental dilemma that I'm struggling to overcome.
I can't help but wonder what my former students/ new found friends are up to tonight? Are they safe beneath the sheets or are they fearing the night? How can I know their stories if I am here and they are there? Is there shouting outside our bedroom window or are people hollering in the distance? Is our elderly, shoeless and half blind guard sitting alone tonight wondering where we are this night? Is he disappointed he wont be teaching us Chichewa or does it make any difference to him at this point?
How many crickets occupy the latrine tonight and are the spiders out for their evening feast? Has our mouse found the goodies left behind in our pseudo kitchen? Are the bees boring holes in the rafters and are the termites chewing their way through the walls? What do the stars and milky way look like tonight? There is nothing like staring into an African night sky in absolute darkness, it's magnificent. Would the wind on the plateau bring a sense of relief from the heat...I wish I knew.
My heart is there while my body is temporarily planted here.
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This is a very powerful post, Jamie. I pray that you will find peace within so you can face whatever comes your way.
ReplyDeleteHi Jamie,I've been following your blog along with Matthew but finally signed-up with a google account.I love reading your thoughts, visions, feelings, and accounts of your experience. I feel like I'm there with you and at times I wish I were. You have such courage and strength to do this work and I know you feel discouraged at times and have moral challenges at times, but I believe that this is a great opportunity for you to really know who you are and where you're going. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, it's Thanksgiving here and I'm just waiting for a pumpkin pie to finish, gee after reading your last blog I really know how lucky we are here. I complain about eating too many calories and forget that there you and others there are just trying to have enough. Thanks for the reality check.Well I hope you take care and keep healthy, I'm glad you've been eating the protein bars, hopefully they help keep your energy up. Looking forward to your next entry. With Love,Aileen :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments Gina and Aileen.
ReplyDeleteThere are definitely some moral challenges (among other challenges) but like all things, they can be overcome with time. More than anything, I appreciate your words and the comfort your presence as a reader brings. Thanks for the encouragement, and thank YOU Aileen for the protein bars, they're coming in handy!
Toujours
Jamie
hey Jamie
ReplyDeletegood postings. Thanks for sending me the link. I liked reading everything except the part about the spiders. That freaked me out.
Blessings as you continue to struggle with these important questions!
Bre